Today is 1 year, 1 month and 3 days since implantation of Implant #1 and 4 months and 3 days since implantation of Implant #2. Each implant was activated approximately one month after implantation.
Everytime I want to listen to music, I get sad. I never realized just how much music really was a part of my life until I couldn’t enjoy it anymore. And it’s all because I willingly gave that ability away. Those who know me well say that I am much better off having implanted my “good ear” instead of continuing to use the hearing aid in that ear, but I’m not so sure anymore. It really doesn’t help things when people, specifically my family, constantly ask “Are your implants doing any better?” That gets really annoying. Their expectation that it will is even worse. Thanks for the pressure, people! And what really gets on my nerves more than anything is when people say “Well so-and-so got an implant and did really GREAT” or “so-and-so could hear just fine right away” or the worst, “So-and-so could do everything, even hear on the phone, and they said it was just like real hearing”. Sometimes I just want to shout: “WELL GUESS WHAT?!?! I’M NOT SO-AND-SO!!! I’M ME! AND NO, IT’S NOT WORKING WELL YET SO JUST SHUT UP ALREADY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!”
It’s been about 2 and a half months since the left side was activated. I know that really isn’t long at all to adjust to an entire new way of hearing, but I was told I would adjust much faster due to having been able to hear with a hearing aid in that ear before. So far, I have been able to hear more stuff with it, but it still doesn’t sound very good. And ironically, my comprehension seems worse than with the hearing aid. I can no longer understand my loved ones without looking at them as I did with the hearing aid, and I can no longer talk on the phone. And the music… The music has ended for me.
As time goes on, I find I am not making progress as fast as I’d like, if at all, I become more and more disappointed and find myself crying more often when all I want is to hear the beautiful songs I enjoyed before. I can officially say that because of that reason, I do regret implanting that ear. I wish I hadn’t done it.
It’s true that I got sick much more often because of the hearing aid, and that it sounded like crap compared to the implant in my right ear, but it doesn’t make giving up music any easier, nor does it yet seem worth the results I have gained from it. In my mind, I feel that I have made the right decision by implanting it, especially since I only wore the hearing aid occasionally just to listen to music, which would have resulted in my natural hearing declining. But my emotions say otherwise.
I just can’t believe it hasn’t seemed to get any better as far as sound quality in what was supposedly my “good” ear. It drives me crazy and I honestly don’t like it. It seems like no amount of “training” or “audio therapy” I do helps. At this point in time, I am very disappointed and frustrated, but I am doing my best to not give up just yet.
Beo Said:
on June 18, 2005 at 5:24 pm
Hey, I didn’t realize we had the audio problems in common. Just try to keep truckin’. At least there is a chance to hear in both. I will never hear in stero, only mono. You’ve made it this far with your disease. You’ll be alright, and it has gotten somewhat better. I had no idea how helpful your husband was through your ordeal. He does love you. Can’t you listen to music with it just coming out of the stereo?
Brandie Said:
on June 19, 2005 at 1:17 am
Thanks Beo. It’s stuff like what my hubby has done for me and stuck with me through that lets me know he does love me deep down. =o)
As for music, no, cochlear implants basically destroy whatever natural hearing you had left pre-implant. So because of the surgeries, I am now 100% deaf as can be, more so than I was before implants (but not much), yet I can hear more than I ever did since age 4. Ironic, eh? LOL